Why am I the only one with out it.

I have little understanding of depression. It is all around me. Most of my family suffers from a form of depression or other mental illness. It is something that we don't really talk about, or acknowledge. I find that it truly horrifies me that someday my time is coming, that I will too be a depressed individual.
I have watched some of them tear apart their own family, violently attack each other, and hurt each other beyond repair with words. It is so heart wrenching.
Depression is treatable, but how do you get some one to go into treatment when they have no clue they are even sick?
I have reached out to them. I have held them when they are crying, helped them to dress themselves when they didn't want to get out of bed. I have joined in their laughter on the good days, and talked to them while they were seemingly calm. I knew all the while the mood changes were imminent, they always had been. Sweet one minute, completely out of control the next. I have listened to their endless droning on about how they were sure their spouse was cheating on them, but they knew that they could never leave them because they were afraid they would be murdered.
(The paranoid side is one I will never understand)
What is the most astounding is that depression can warp the mind so badly that a person can feel that they are not loved. They cannot love themselves the way they deserve to be loved, and they do not feel worthy of others love
I have a curiosity that can not be controlled about the disease of the mind. I thought very hard about pursuing a degree in psychology and I still may but I am scared to figure out their minds, I know once I have a better understanding of it that I will be that one person screaming at them that they are bi-polar, schizophrenic, utterly depressed, they need to go to counseling etc...
Or I could go to the extreme opposite and just sit back and watch them self destruct one day at a time. (not on my watch)

I watched my best friend go through this. She was the most self destructive person I know. It was nothing but fighting with her family day in and day out, she had a cleaning OCD that was out of control, She lost an astounding amount of weight in a little under a year,  reminded me of a bobble head. Her moods were never normal, it was either one extreme or the other and the worst part about it is she drank to drown her sorrows. I was living with her for a while and we always had breakfast and our coffee together every morning. I had just Poured myself a cup and realized she was probably up in her room still sleeping so I grabbed her a cup too and headed up the stairs hollering out her name with no answer. I knocked on the door for her to let me in. Still no answer. I opened the door and saw the bed was made and she was no where to be found. She had the decency to leave a note though, talking about how she couldn't be a burden to her family anymore and that she was leaving not sure if she would be back. To give her love to the kids.
That was the final straw for me, I had watched her suffer and supported her defending her against her family for years. I thought to myself I will not speak to her again until she gets healthy. I had discussed it with her family, We had, had many discussions in the following weeks. All about her, about how to get her healthy. In the end we had her committed so she could get the help she deserved, she has continually had counseling and was diagnosed with a slight bi polar disorder, she discovered herself as the beautiful, loving woman that she is and she has forgiven herself and has moved on to be be the rock of our family. I am so proud of her. The whole family is.

I have written this hoping that some kind of dialogue can be opened. I hope that we can be moved to help everyone who suffers from depression. That we can all have the happy ending we all deserve. Maybe one day I will go get that degree, So I can help those lost individuals that need help so badly and do not know where to go. There is always help!! You are loved and you deserve to be loved.

Sure Travel with them... That is a great idea...

Children never behave the same way traveling as at home, it is inevitable that they will scream, fight and claw their way through a vacation.

They will not go to sleep even though you have brought their favorite blankie and teddy, or their awesome new night light, but as always as a parent you keep trying.

You enjoy the time you have with family to its fullest, and you live through what might have been the most stressful week of your life. When you get home you unpack and hope that you didn't forget things a thousand miles from home, and hope that your child will never notice if you do.

You print off all of the photos add them to your favorite album and remember the time as a happy one, no matter what was going on at the moment, at least you have each other in the end.

Really!!! You don't have to listen to me... I will take all of your toys and hide them..

At least that is what I think about all the time. Not that I would actually hide them, but the thought is tempting. I know what would happen though. He would find them or he would bug me about them for the duration of the time they were hidden. Even though he only plays with a quarter of the 3000 he has.


I am having one of those: "I know I am going to tip over the edge of crazy days"

My little man is pushing and trying his best to push all of my buttons. He is going stir crazy because his cousin is at his mam and papaws and he is not feeling well, but he refuses to leave his side. Well guess what little dude. We are headed for home soon. You will be outside the remainder of the day, unless you have to poop. Sincerely yours, MOM

END RANT

UH OH WE HAVE LANDED ON THE TERRIBLE ONES AND THE RIDICULOUS FOURS.

Everything I believed about being a parent when I was younger is true. That is definitely something I have learned to deal with in the last year. Ten things that I know for a fact about mine:

1. Children are very smart.

2. Loving

3. Hyper to an extent.

4. Ridiculous

5. They like to immediately destroy any room I am cleaning

6. They have unconditional love. 

7. They are in need of constant reminders and kisses of the boo boo's

8. You have to have a routine, or else the day is lost. Children need structure.

9. If I decide to take extra time to myself after they go to bed... Say a couple hours.. They will be awake bright and early the next day.

10. Children will be who they are, they don't know any better, they don't see people in different races, sizes or their monetary value. They are completely and brutally honest, it is refreshing and frightening at the same time.

I know these things about my children because, I pay attention. I see all these parents at parks with their kids trying to get their attention and they are on facebook, twitter, instagram... It is heartbreaking to think that they probably dont know exactly what their kids favorite color is because they are so engrossed with their social media. I can't say I haven't ever had those moments that would be lying. Usually its when I am trying to take a five minute breather and they are playing nicely by themselves with their toys. I know what they are doing. I don't let them out of my sight for long, Because I know what my kids can do within five seconds of being out of my eyesight. And I always worry when they are quiet...

I am worried about my Kid's future. I am worried that they will be forced into a world of children that do not know how to communicate with spoken words. We are a very verbal family including the baby who babbles 99% of the time. We like to use our words. I am so worried about these parents who wont take that extra ten minutes a day to read their babies a story or listen to them talk about their day. Because it is important for their futures.

We are teaching our four year old how to garden right now... Guess what?! That is the best and most exciting part of the day. He planted his own broccoli this year and it decided to sprout. He is so proud of that, and it makes me proud as a parent. He is working very hard to make sure his plant is watered everyday and has just enough sunshine to ensure growth.
     I  think we are going to have a very self sufficient young man one day.  I just hope that he realizes just how much we love him and that we are doing our best to ensure that his future is bright and realistic not to mention it requires hard work and dedication just like his little broccoli plants.

Crawling, everything is edible, broken toys and you are so mean mommy's

This is about Jack:
OUR PUPPY WHO IS ALMOST A YEAR OLD. THIS DOG MAKING IT TO THE FIRST YEAR IS A HUGE MIRACLE CONSIDERING MY PATIENCE AND HIS ABILITY TO JUST PISS ME OFF!!!
 It is a complete miracle that this stupid dog is alive right now. I say stupid lightly because this dog is anything but stupid.

Ahem, attn little Jack,the only dog I know that can  eat a pound of Bakers chocolate, then continue to gorge  himself on food and water, and puke all over the in-laws carpeted rooms, and couches, yes it was multiple rooms and couches like two.

  OH yeah not to mention the shitting everywhere for three days before Christmas!!!  I think the dog needs Jesus at this point, only a miracle can stop me from considering sending him to another permanent home far far away!!!

He also likes to run down the road to the neighbor ladys house, because she has a pretty chocolate lab that he can play with, and I think she feeds him. He is going to get us a ticket for being a chronic runaway. We can be playing with him in the backyard and he will stop dead in his tracks and run the fuck away to the neighbors, and no matter if we say stop Jack, come Jack, or follow him to the neighbors he runnnnnnns as fast as he can. Because he is smart, he knows when he comes home we're gonna be like good boy for coming home Jack when what we should do is send him the fuck somewhere else. The asshole. For running the fuck away again!!

Sorry for all the cuss words. Its either that or I explode on the dog. At this moment he better be sleeping.

I love him I really do. He is a very sweet mannered, laid back dog in the house inside he listens so well. But once he gets outside he's like bye, gotta go for a run to the neighbors. So this is what we are going to do. Even though we have never done it before, he is going to get trained by a shock collar. Not to be mean but to show him that if he hits the edge of the yard he will be warned twice with a beeping sound before being zapped mildly. If that doesnt work to keep him in the yard. He will be saying goodbye to our family. I cant stand a dog that wont listen.

Its been a while

I have been trying to get back to my blog that I was so excited about, until I went into labor, with our second child. From there on out I have been thinking that a little writing relief would do me good. However finding the time is like pulling hens teeth.

I now have a 3 1/2 year old and a 3 month old baby... I'm still working on time management, and believe me when I say it is not easy AT ALL!!! It drives me nuts to see my house a mess! But I find time during the day to clean up 10 messes only to turn around and find that my lil man has made three more. I have a difficult time trying to get him to clean up after himself because I have always done it for him. MISTAKE. I know I should have had him helping me all along but I enjoy the cleaning aspect of life. It keeps me busy.

I also find that I am still so obsessed with our new baby, that I haven't put enough mommy and me time aside for my little man. So I have been making sure for the last few days that I have an hour at the minimum to spend quality time together. I really don't want him resenting me later in life for not spending enough time together or  him having some kind of neglectful feelings because he didn't get as much attention as his sister. I am having a really difficult time balancing things right now but.... It will all work its self out in the end. Both of my children will know that I love them and would do anything to make them happy and well balanced. 

I hope one day they will understand the difficulty of parenthood. And be appreciative of the hard work and dedication that goes into it. I also hope that they get to enjoy the little things that mean the most with their children, from that first poop (i remember them both haha) to the moment they get to send them off to school. My moment is coming up soon and I plan to take a million pictures, have a good cry and then wander around the house that first day, because I know that first day at least I will be lost without him... 

Im not sure what to expect in the future of myself or my children but I do hope to give them values, manners and balance so they will never be too lost in life's hiccups.

endnote
I enjoy this little family of mine.....

So being the mother of a 3 year old requires a lot more patience than not. Everyday!!! 

Already this morning, we have had a giant milk spill in the new living room which he refuses to wipe up, he has jumped on every available surface, kicked all of the blinds making such a colossal noise it woke up his baby sister. He has had two jolly rancher Popsicle's that i know of and the only reason he quit squawking like a bird. Yes I bribe him.... Sometimes that's what parents have to do!!! OH and to top it all off I made him his Mickey Pancakes and he will not eat them... Really?! They were awesome blueberries included. 

Here is what happens on a normal day in our house....

we wake up.... all hell breaks loose... we go outside for a couple hours, I make him come inside... all hell breaks loose.... He poops his pants, I get pissed because we have worked very hard not to do that everyday...He runs outside naked and goes across the road to get the mail(we live in a subdivision with dirt roads).... all hell breaks loose... I cry a little because I definitely have no control of this child on some points of the day.... 

All the while all of this is going on I'm still breast feeding our daughter every couple of hours so the part where he poops his pants and runs outside naked those are the times where my attention is not completely on him. 
\
His dad is working out of town so I have no back up to help control his freak out moments, and naked moments. 

I know he needs more attention but I already spend 12 hours a day paying attention and cleaning up messes. All a part of being a parent I know this. But I also know that there are other parents out there that have more docile children and I can't help but be a little jealous of them every once in a while.
 Some days I wonder where exactly I am supposed to get the energy to chase after this little one man wrecking ball... but I also wake up wondering exactly what kind of adventure we are going to experience for the day. I have the right to complain and rant. I deserve at least that, I don't get a vacation or even a little break from being a parent so this blog will be about my adventures everyday with my two children. I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world, but I would enjoy a quiet moment or two.